Drivers could maker desperate prayers to our old patron saint

Kessock Bridge

THERE are those who reckon that when the Kessock Bridge resurfacing gets under way it will, as far as stranded motorists are concerned, try the patience of a saint. Ironically, the bridge and the Kessock area of Inverness take their name from the old patron saint of Scotland.

His relics were brandished at the head of Robert the Bruce’s army at Bannockburn, where the bold Bob’s pre-match talk to the Scots demanded that they win in this good fellow’s memory. Slaughtering proud Edward’s army does seem rather a violent way to pay tribute to a saint, but things were different in those days.

I refer to St Cessoc, otherwise known as St Kessog, who actually came from Ireland, born in to the royal family of Munster around 460AD. Legend tells of him playing with all the neighbouring princes while their fathers visited his. There was a terrible accident and all the princes, except St Kessoc, were drowned. The visiting kings were, for some strange reason, very angry. But war against his father was averted when, after a night of prayer, Kessog brought all the princes back to life.

I doubt many lads went swimming with him after that but he was placed in a monastery. It is said that St Patrick took him to what is now County Down and placed him under the tutelage of St Malachi, who later sent Kessoc/Kessog over the Irish Sea to carry out missionary work in Lennox. This was no relation to Lisbon Lion Bobby Lennox but was, in fact, the northern kingdom of Strathclyde and stretched from Stirling to the Great Glen.

His name on Kessock Hill suggests he came to Inverness, which would have been 40 to 50 years before St Columba also came from Ireland to convert King Brude and his Picts. St Kessog was killed near Luss in 520 to 530AD and it is said he was murdered by brigands in the pay of the Druids. But his fame continued to grow after his death and he became Scotland’s national saint.

Fast forward to 1437 and the first ferry from Inverness to the Black Isle, thanks to a charter granted to the Dominican Friars, or Black Friars, of Inverness to operate one as part of a pilgrim route to St Duthac’s church in Tain. From North Kessock, travellers took a rough track to Cromarty where they could get the ferry to Nigg.

The Kessock ferry was sail-powered until 1907 when steam took over to cross the narrows. Before and during World War II, the steam boats were named Nellie and Maud after relatives of Lord Burton of Dochfour whose family owned the Kessock area. Ferries moved to diesel before the "Rosehaugh" in 1967 became the final Kessock ferry, doing its last run 29 years ago just before the bridge opened. Ironically, to this day the "Rosehaugh" acts as a tender for oil rigs in the Cromarty Firth. But Inverness folk of a certain vintage will have fond memories of the ferry — and when the resufacing work does get under way, as they sit, surrounded by cones, on a one-lane bridge, the smell of tar wafting through the car window, many will wish that they were back on it.

Others will re-familiarise themselves with the old road, via Beauly which, after the bridge opened, became a one-horse town on Fridays, when the horse arrived. Beauly skilfully reinvented itself in crafts and tourism.

This spring is the 35th anniversary of the start of construction on the bridge while next year will see the 30th anniversary of its completion.

In 2007 a sketch of the bridge was inserted on the obverse side of a Bank of Scotland £100 note. It may still, I don’t come across such high-value notes too often, not unless I’m getting change from the filling station.

Some 24,000 vehicles a day pass over the bridge, rising to 32,000 daily in August. So the bridge resurfacing will produce more jams than Robertson and Keillor put together. It will be a major source of high blood pressure, as much-delayed drivers crouch in the foetal position in their driving seat, in turns muttering, cursing and sobbing.

Is it an offence to use your mobile when you’re sitting in a car that hasn’t moved for 20 minutes and has no chance of moving for another 20?

It’s a cliche that major road works seem to arrive with the tourist season, but at least caravanners will be able to get out and take as many photos as they like from the bridge. They can even picnic above a terrific view. Some may even try to fish. Or get the mobile out and picture themselves singing "Bridge Over Troubled Water".

Others might try a prayer to St Kessoc.

Still waiting for ‘store wars’ to break out

DID you read about riots in Bristol over that city’s 18th Tesco store? This follows a campaign to stop the opening there of the latest Tesco Metro, which protesters say leads to the closure of small local grocers, eliminating competition.

Meanwhile, in Inverness, work is under way and the shell of the building has been erected on a new Tesco at Dores Road. This will be the company’s fourth store in the city, still well short of qualifying for riot standard, though it may raise a grumble or two. Signs say this one will include a GP’s surgery. What next, an undertakers? Live and die with Tesco.

They tell me that to make purchases seem larger and better value, Tesco are to employ only people under four feet eight inches tall at checkouts. Well, every little helps.

I shop often at Tesco. It is there that I pick up a tin of particular beans to check its calorific content and I am attacked by the rest of the tins, angry that I have not chosen them and they form a disorderly, noisy protest round my ankles. I look for help but some assistants tend to have either that supercilious "another eejit" smile or the harassed pale expression of those for whom disaster is as regular as tea break.

But there’s no monopoly or Tescopoly in this city for at the site of the new Asda store, the first soil drilling processes are under way, preparing for the start of construction. There’s been talk of one for some 20 years, with planning for one at North Kessock being rejected that long ago. Then they looked at the Caley Thistle stadium site, but that was booted out further than a Grant Munro clearance.

And on the east side of Nairn, work is well in train for the Highlands’ first Sainsbury supermarket, which is excellent news for Nairn but begs the question of when Inverness will have a Sainsburys, generally regarded as more upmarket than Tesco or Asda.

If we have Asda going shelf to shelf with Tesco, Morrisons and Marks & Spencer, and if Sainsburys also came along, we’d have the kind of local "Store Wars" which would significantly benefit customers and staff alike.

Hopefully, the competition will affect fuel prices. At the filling station at the Tesco at Inshes the other day, the guy in front of me ruefully told the assistant: "That’s the first time my car ever took £70 of petrol. I never thought I’d see the day." A lot of people will agree.

Supermarkets are a huge success because they are so convenient, as long as you have a car, and have the range and price beyond the scope of local shops. Large stores are now a very important employer in Inverness as elsewhere. They are of sheer scale nationally that they inevitably attract critics and pranksters.

Such as the people caught on in-store cameras doing things like setting all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at five minute intervals, and while appearing to be choosing knives, asking the assistant where the antidepressants are? And hiding in a clothing rack and when customers browsed, they leap out, yelling: "Pick me, pick me."

My favourite is the guy going into a fitting room, shutting the door, waiting a while, then yelling loudly: "There’s no toilet paper in here."